Paxil what? Paxil who? You may have noticed that I don’t mention the P-word anymore. Or..maybe you didn’t notice. Doesn’t matter. It’s over. The daily dose is over. The detox is over. The withdrawal symptoms—over. Over over and over. I cannot say it enough.

What’s life been like without that little daily pill? A joy, a pain, a curiosity, an adventure. It is exactly what life should be and it’s nice to feel every inch of it again. Life didn’t magically “get easier” by getting off Paxil, but it did become mine again. On meds I had a life within a life within a life. A nesting doll existence. In a nutshell, it sucked.

In other news, meditating is still kind of hard. I can’t even describe the exact difficulty I have with it, other than I am a person that would rather not sit still. I’m giving it a shot though. For the sake of stabilizing chronic pain as much as possible, I need to listen to my body more. I can’t always do that properly when I am zoom-pop-whooshing around from thing to thing without much pause. I’m still trying. I can’t say I’m “mastering” it or anything but it is something new, a challenge. I need that.

On that note,  my migraines have been annoying lately. I’ve been fighting them off daily, for almost a week now. I think I may have snapped that spell during slumber last night, but I’m proceeding with caution. Hormones and traveling combined will take their toll.

I had a horrible dream last night. Everything blurry except the date: January 29^th and the book wasn’t finished. I woke up sweating, can you believe it? Actually, physically sweating. I spent the evening editing text and I owe the world to Renee right now for lending a hand on the important parts. Her feedback is invaluable. Things are coming together, becoming flesh. I am falling in love with the process. It feels so good. I kind of know why. I mean, it feels great to get something done—the big kahuna en route to becoming…well, whatever it becomes. This might be a small gesture amongst the efforts of others, but I will be the first to admit that I struggle with the completion of projects, especially the big scary important ones. You can be afraid forever; you can play it safe and complete the unpolished, pass it off as a meant-to-be. You certainly can. Or, you can do what makes you feel amazing—put the spit and sweat into all actions surrounding your heart. I hope my sincerity here doesn’t sound too cheesy to you, but you have to understand that I have spent too long waiting for feet to trample whatever I lay on the line—I have not just waited, but expected it to happen. Anticipating a letdown IS the let down—if you always expect the hurt and worst then you cannot be very surprised when it comes.

I think I am proof that it’s never too late to learn this. You can turn it around. You can plow through life with your head down feeling worthless and believing it—you can half-ass your dreams and stay treading water. 

Or, you can do something different. Like get the fuck over it.

I highly recommend it.