P1010027

Archive for October, 2007

this much i know

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Take this night and make it my every one, of sitting and sipping coffee where people are both quiet and loud and there is music playing–music that reminds you of old stomping grounds because the band is from there too and it just reminds you of what you were doing years ago, how much you were and were not living and thinking, respectively. But that is not really, truly important. Not like the being here, and the hands on words, over words, coming back to get the sentences that fell off the back.

It’s mild for the end of October so the front door is open which means the random house fly tiptoes across the table. I have blank paper and a book and my brain and that’s it. This much I know. If I could do this every night, and every morning, and every in between, I would. And that is what matters.

Is who I am everything that happened? Oh shit–the cd is skipping. Adults come in, in suits with little cameras in their phones and they take pictures of the children in costume, being so innocently annoying that I stop what I am doing just to watch. It doesn’t feel like my movie, but they are all characters. Even the front counter cookies and the contact in my eye. Who needs anything really but watching?

This much I know: the self deserves a fair shot and I’m the only sucker with placement and aim and if not now then not ever; get to a place where alone is okay and where chaos can be quiet–somewhere that sounds like my heart but grows hums instead of valves. This much I know: there are days when I feel that I will never belong anywhere and there are days when the only place is where I just left and we are not suppose to have the answers because we’re so completely human that it seems nearly written before wrist bend finds pen. This much I know: I will write till I die. I will find whatever make sense from whatever is around me, and if it is strange I am at home–if we go down laughing instead of swinging, join in.

This much is true: a life unlived will live you a bit then leave you. The only thing you need to be is everything you are.

congressman

Friday, October 19th, 2007

untitled

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

My new doctor asks me
About my mother,
And my father,
Separately
As they should be
But
Her emphasis is with my matching gender
And not
On the one who raised me.
There is no room to correct
And usually
I am the first to do so
Object
Like the worst wedding you could think of
Or be at
Some stranger marrying the very love of your life
Something like that I am
A gunshot
To amend
The misunderstood
About such things.
But this time
I am tired
And the bus made me especially depressed
The lack of people
The abundance of seats
The sound of a city
Slipping by
Right under our floating seated bodies
This time
The doctor seems happier to believe
I am like a knot with the womb’s owner
But I am not
we
Have long since been
Unraveled and
There are days I might tell you
Something is most definitely missing
In me
But
Most of the time
I am just growing around the space
Throwing things in
To hear them never hit.
There is no end
To what we never know
There is no alibi
For what was never there
And I am feet and I am arms
And I have this breath so constant
That I pretend
To hardly own it but
Truth is truth
And when I sleep
The chest still rises
And I cling to what I miss about her
Because it’s all I have
Some loose stumbled memories
Of thigh tops and loud laughter
I could tell the exact
Voltage of her anger
By the way she walked
Always hard
But the stomping might vary
She might
Throw me a smile before she
Tosses another wedding ring
Over the cliff behind the house
I hold onto that
Even the awful must be gathered,
If just to be
Kept

oooh fun time

Monday, October 15th, 2007

I’m emceeing the poetry slam tomorrow night at the Shadow Lounge, and kick ass poet Ed Mabrey is in from Columbus–he’ll be featuring.

That means, uh, come one come all?

Yes.

we graffiti the crazy train

Friday, October 12th, 2007

I’m going to a new doctor on Tuesday for what I like to call a “tune up,” aka a yearly physical and whatnot. Plus I’m getting off Paxil.  I can’t do this anymore.  I’m not who I am while on this medication and it’s been a long time coming.  I had to do some confirming on my part though–people can tell you all sorts of things but it doesn’t matter if you can’t see it for yourself.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading up on the drug, as well as the best way to be done with it.  The standard method is cutting 10mg off the doseage, one week at a time.  I started doing this two days ago because Tuesday seems not soon enough, and I don’t want to be two steps away from losing everything. 

I admit defeat.  I just want to enjoy life entirely again.  The zombie life is not for me.  I know it’s going to take awhile, but getting my real existence back is more than worth it. That’s all I can say right now.

derailing.

Thursday, October 11th, 2007
Although each of these SSRI manufacturers admit they do not know how their respective drugs work, each claim that they help to correct a “chemical imbalance of the brain.” The assumption for each of these drugs is that if a person is depressed (each and every depressed person), there is a reduced level of the neurotransmitter serotonin in their brains. As one well-known psychiatrist put it: “[SSRIs] are not correcting a biochemical imbalance, these drugs create severe imbalances in the brain. … The idea that human suffering, psychological suffering, is biochemical is strictly a promotional campaign, perhaps the most successful in the history of the world, created by the drug companies. We do not even have a technology, a scientific technology, for measuring what happens inside the brain … it is literally a fabrication.” 

Antidepressants can cause a medical condition called akathisia or hyperkinesia. Both can best be described as severe agitation, sometimes accompanied by motor restlessness (inability to sit still, feeling the need to pace, etc.). This can be an extremely distressing experience and can lead directly to mental confusion and suicidality. If you experience this condition, it is very important to tell your doctor immediately. It can be relieved by stopping the drug or your doctor may prescribe a general sedative. (Do not stop taking any medication without first talking to your doctor.)On March 22, 2004, the FDA asked the makers of antidepressants to place in the “Warnings” section of their drug’s label a statement that both children and adults should be monitored closely at the beginning of drug therapy, or when a patient’s dosage is increased or decreased, for signs of “worsening depression,” or “emergent suicidality [that] is severe, abrupt in onset, or was not part of the presenting symptoms.” The FDA also stated that health care providers, patients and their families should be warned about the association between these specific antidepressant drugs and: “anxiety, agitation, panic attacks, insomnia, irritability, hostility, impulsivity, akathisia (extreme restlessness), hypomania, and mania[.]” 

PAXIL MAKER ISSUES WARNING REGARDING SUICIDALITY RISK IN ADULTS GlaxoSmithKline (GSK), the maker of the antidepressant Paxil, has amended its labeling for Paxil to include a warning that, like children and adolescents, adults are at a higher risk of suicidality when taking Paxil. GSK has also issued a letter to doctors in the

United States alerting them to the new label.
The new warning comes following an analysis GSK conducted based in large part on data collected for the FDA’s currently-underway adult analysis of all antidepressants (in FDA’s attempt to determine if the suicidality risk found in children and adolescents extends to adults). GSK apparently decided to do its own analysis of the data rather than wait for the FDA’s conclusions.GSK’s analysis found a “higher frequency of suicidal behavior in young adults” ages 18-24 for all indications and for “adults with MDD [Major Depressive Disorder] (all ages), the frequency of suicidal behavior was higher in patients treated with paroxetine compared with placebo. [ ] This difference was statistically significant.” Despite GSK’s admission of higher rates of suicidality and “statistical significance” (which generally means fairly conclusive proof of causation), in its letter and other briefing material, GSK attempts to downplay the risk and suggests that its awareness of the risk is “new.”Attorney Karen Barth Menzies of the Baum Hedlund law firm, a leader in antidepressant-induced suicidality cases for over 15 years stated:“GSK has finally done the right thing, unfortunately, it is over-shadowed by its delay. This analysis could and should have been done a long time ago. GSK has had this data in its possession for years. Unfortunately, it continues to spin the facts as if this is ‘new data.’ People need to realize that GSK limited this analysis to only certain of its clinical trials, which effectively excluded numerous suicide events. We know, for instance, that in GSK’s initial FDA submission in 1989, there were 7 suicides and 42 suicide attempts in Paxil patients, while there were zero suicides and 1 suicide attempt on placebo.“GSK should have warned from the beginning and the FDA should have done a better job at protecting American consumers. This warning, tragically, comes far too late for the families whose loved ones have fallen victim to this deadly side effect.”Ms. Menzies’ dedication and commitment to the cause of increased warnings about the risk of suicidality has brought her several prestigious lawyer awards. Along with some of her clients, Menzies testified in 2004 before FDA and then the California State Assembly and met with members of the House and Senate regarding the risk of antidepressant induced suicidality and preemption issues.The Baum Hedlund law firm has been fighting for increased warnings on all SSRIs since the early 1990s, starting with Prozac, and was the first law firm to take on the Paxil drug maker on a national scale in 2001. Baum Hedlund is still litigating dozens of suicide cases against GSK involving adults and children as young as 7-years-old.GSK has had an FDA ordered black-box warning (the most severe) on it’s Paxil label directed at children and adolescents concerning the increased risk of suicidality, as do all manufacturers of antidepressant-SSRIs, since 2004.

Side effects related to taking Paxil: 

Body as a Whole: Infrequent: Allergic reaction, chills, face edema, malaise, neck pain; rare: Adrenergic syndrome, cellulitis, moniliasis, neck rigidity, pelvic pain, peritonitis, sepsis, ulcer.

Cardiovascular System: Frequent: Hypertension, tachycardia; infrequent: Bradycardia, hematoma, hypotension, migraine, syncope; rare: Angina pectoris, arrhythmia nodal, atrial fibrillation, bundle branch block, cerebral ischemia, cerebrovascular accident, congestive heart failure, heart block, low cardiac output, myocardial infarct, myocardial ischemia, pallor, phlebitis, pulmonary embolus, supraventricular extrasystoles, thrombophlebitis, thrombosis, varicose vein, vascular headache, ventricular extrasystoles.

Digestive System: Infrequent: Bruxism, colitis, dysphagia, eructation, gastritis, gastroenteritis, gingivitis, glossitis, increased salivation, liver function tests abnormal, rectal hemorrhage, ulcerative stomatitis; rare: Aphthous stomatitis, bloody diarrhea, bulimia, cardiospasm, cholelithiasis, duodenitis, enteritis, esophagitis, fecal impactions, fecal incontinence, gum hemorrhage, hematemesis, hepatitis, ileitis, ileus, intestinal obstruction, jaundice, melena, mouth ulceration, peptic ulcer, salivary gland enlargement, sialadenitis, stomach ulcer, stomatitis, tongue discoloration, tongue edema, tooth caries.

Endocrine System: Rare: Diabetes mellitus, goiter, hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidism, thyroiditis.

Hemic and Lymphatic Systems: Infrequent: Anemia, leukopenia, lymphadenopathy, purpura; rare: Abnormal erythrocytes, basophilia, bleeding time increased, eosinophilia, hypochromic anemia, iron deficiency anemia, leukocytosis, lymphedema, abnormal lymphocytes, lymphocytosis, microcytic anemia, monocytosis, normocytic anemia, thrombocythemia, thrombocytopenia. 33

Metabolic and Nutritional: Frequent: Weight gain; infrequent: Edema, peripheral edema, SGOT increased, SGPT increased, thirst, weight loss; rare: Alkaline phosphatase increased, bilirubinemia, BUN increased, creatinine phosphokinase increased, dehydration, gamma globulins increased, gout, hypercalcemia, hypercholesteremia, hyperglycemia, hyperkalemia, hyperphosphatemia, hypocalcemia, hypoglycemia, hypokalemia, hyponatremia, ketosis, lactic dehydrogenase increased, non-protein nitrogen (NPN) increased.

Musculoskeletal System: Frequent: Arthralgia; infrequent: Arthritis, arthrosis; rare: Bursitis, myositis, osteoporosis, generalized spasm, tenosynovitis, tetany.

Nervous System: Frequent: Emotional lability, vertigo; infrequent: Abnormal thinking, alcohol abuse, ataxia, dystonia, dyskinesia, euphoria, hallucinations, hostility, hypertonia, hypesthesia, hypokinesia, incoordination, lack of emotion, libido increased, manic reaction, neurosis, paralysis, paranoid reaction; rare: Abnormal gait, akinesia, antisocial reaction, aphasia, choreoathetosis, circumoral paresthesias, convulsion, delirium, delusions, diplopia, drug dependence, dysarthria, extrapyramidal syndrome, fasciculations, grand mal convulsion, hyperalgesia, hysteria, manic-depressive reaction, meningitis, myelitis, neuralgia, neuropathy, nystagmus, peripheral neuritis, psychotic depression, psychosis, reflexes decreased, reflexes increased, stupor, torticollis, trismus, withdrawal syndrome.

Respiratory System: Infrequent: Asthma, bronchitis, dyspnea, epistaxis, hyperventilation, pneumonia, respiratory flu; rare: Emphysema, hemoptysis, hiccups, lung fibrosis, pulmonary edema, sputum increased, stridor, voice alteration.

Skin and Appendages: Frequent: Pruritus; infrequent: Acne, alopecia, contact dermatitis, dry skin, ecchymosis, eczema, herpes simplex, photosensitivity, urticaria; rare: Angioedema, erythema nodosum, erythema multiforme, exfoliative dermatitis, fungal dermatitis, furunculosis; herpes zoster, hirsutism, maculopapular rash, seborrhea, skin discoloration, skin hypertrophy, skin ulcer, sweating decreased, vesiculobullous rash.

Special Senses: Frequent: Tinnitus; infrequent: Abnormality of accommodation, conjunctivitis, ear pain, eye pain, keratoconjunctivitis, mydriasis, otitis media; rare: Amblyopia, anisocoria, blepharitis, cataract, conjunctival edema, corneal ulcer, deafness, exophthalmos, eye hemorrhage, glaucoma, hyperacusis, night blindness, otitis externa, parosmia, photophobia, ptosis, retinal hemorrhage, taste loss, visual field defect.

Urogenital System: Infrequent: Amenorrhea, breast pain, cystitis, dysuria, hematuria, menorrhagia, nocturia, polyuria, pyuria, urinary incontinence, urinary retention, urinary urgency, vaginitis; rare: Abortion, breast atrophy, breast enlargement, endometrial disorder, epididymitis, female lactation, fibrocystic breast, kidney calculus, kidney pain, leukorrhea, mastitis, metrorrhagia, nephritis, oliguria, salpingitis, urethritis, urinary casts, uterine spasm, urolith, vaginal hemorrhage, vaginal moniliasis.

The following symptoms, anxiety, agitation, panic attacks, insomnia, irritability, hostility, aggressiveness, impulsivity, akathisia (psychomotor restlessness), hypomania, and mania, have been reported in adult and pediatric patients being treated with antidepressants for major depressive disorder as well as for other indications, both psychiatric and nonpsychiatric. Although a causal link between the emergence of such symptoms and either the worsening of depression and/or the emergence of suicidal impulses has not been established, there is concern that such symptoms may represent precursors to emerging suicidality.

Consideration should be given to changing the therapeutic regimen, including possibly discontinuing the medication, in patients whose depression is persistently worse, or who are experiencing emergent suicidality or symptoms that might be precursors to worsening depression or suicidality, especially if these symptoms are severe, abrupt in onset, or were not part of the patient’s presenting symptoms.

Discontinuation of Treatment With PAXIL: Recent clinical trials supporting the various approved indications for PAXIL employed a taper-phase regimen, rather than an abrupt discontinuation of treatment. The taper-phase regimen used in GAD and PTSD clinical trials involved an incremental decrease in the daily dose by 10 mg/day at weekly intervals. When a daily dose of 20 mg/day was reached, patients were continued on this dose for 1 week before treatment was stopped.

Clinical Worsening and Suicide Risk: Patients, their families, and their caregivers should be encouraged to be alert to the emergence of anxiety, agitation, panic attacks, insomnia, irritability, hostility, aggressiveness, impulsivity, akathisia (psychomotor restlessness), hypomania, mania, other unusual changes in behavior, worsening of depression, and suicidal ideation, especially early during antidepressant treatment and when the dose is adjusted up or down. Families and caregivers of patients should be advised to observe for the emergence of such symptoms on a day-to-day basis, since changes may be abrupt. Such symptoms should be reported to the patient’s prescriber or health professional, especially if they are severe, abrupt in onset, or were not part of the patient’s presenting symptoms. Symptoms such as these may be associated with an increased risk for suicidal thinking and behavior and indicate a need for very close monitoring and possibly changes in the medication.

nyc

Monday, October 8th, 2007

It was nighttime in your city. A big city. There were lights and people, and you had to smoke outside. Kitten heels and popped collars were parting ways with their drinks at the bar like farwelling a lover before stepping down the stoop to bum a light. This is the kind of place I was supposed to live in.

We go to a reading for Hacks. They call them jitneys in Pittsburgh, but here they are hacks and they read damn good poetry. Wit cracking whips and the word “fuck” rolled off the tongue like the serenity prayer—they use it as an adjective, a verb, a noun. I love their tables. The way their chairs are crushed too many together, dirty tan coats and checkered motif flyers.

This is the kind of night when I don’t want my footsteps to stop. We could walk into the morning, down Broadway with the sun. We could. We can press our heads together and fall asleep on the subway with our hands on each other’s wallets. We kiss and we yawn. You know life is good when you feel like you’re the sidestep character in a favored book; you say something irrelevant but well-timed on some dog-eared page and we never go home. Maybe the story ends with us swaying in the car seats back to Brooklyn. Maybe it ends with the last star out of sight, and Spanish music playing from Hoboken balconies. Pan the camera everywhere. We can do this forever.

draft

Saturday, October 6th, 2007

I am pink sash in a sea of reds during the running of the bulls
Lucid—
Where the horns and hooves are made of pomegranates
And it’s hard to tell the difference between the purple juice and bruises—
There were hearts and minds sharing umbrellas on curb podiums
Arms pulling hips into
A bone to bone kiss
Front page of the last book
The half-bent and god bless
So you drink your minutes
Chase ‘em down with just happened images
Pray to fickle finger fine gepettos
Their skinny mallets on knees
Blankets over hand claps
Whiskered and squall
The eyes pressed to thigh backs
Tears over dinner in public
A shush around the wine
It was a blush
The stem was weak
Or my fingers were monsters
Something snaptrick
A small snip
Blood sees mirror, grows on self

The band plays like a forecast of debt
And the mind
gears with their rust start thrusting out
To heart’s content
With violins
And moccasins
A plague on all your moving boxes
An ache for all your holdbacks and pounces
I measure my hang-ups by default and brick solid ounces
To the rim and some then pouring
Countertops just past the clocks in design o decadent warning
The halfbitten cadence and a hollow soldier
Ironic in his bitter
Chaos of a splint more simple
Off the sauce now sucks down Shirley temples

And every older man might be a veteran
Or a grandfather or both or some relative of a close call to fallen
Out of reach
Radio radio
Simpatico you you
Your kisses are
they are too much
Too grand for these lips on face so drab and brine next to your zest
Felt back by one hot mess
Unless
The nooses start getting romantic
Loosen
Let my jugulars go
The hot the heat
It’s getting dark
And patrons with their haircuts and their smiles
And the random new one strolls with my goodness
And some selfish broad windowshoppin
With the kid by fist and
All the time

The oceans will constantly
Run from the moon
Not swagger, not shy
Incrediblessed
And we change with the goodbye warmth of the sun
When the sidewalk takes
Left by the leaves and me
Paces in the snow soon enough
Reality is just a dream we lucid through,
Stunning wheel of spit tough doth move
Piano behind pant hems
Dragging songs by the treble clef
The streets kick us out and
Whisper tug us back with promises

Keep them coming
Slumlord of sanctuaries
Dustrag to cello
Counterpart tally grass blades
And the earth do twist me dizzy
Telephone lines doing pilates against the sky above minds
SUFFERIN’ SUCKERS
Babyfat felonies
Do something to move me
Why don’t you

it’s the second, it’s my sixth. (part one)

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007

Happy anniversary to me.

Six days ago, on this very day, I moved to Pittsburgh.

I have so many memories, so many things I could say about my years spent here so far. Very rarely will I set aside words for things..but this is one of those moments.  So, enjoy my little visual ode to the city I live in.

 Thanks, Pittsburgh. So far, so crazy. So good.

sigur ros

Sigur Ros at the Benedum Center. 

protest

Reading poetry at the war protest.

nye

The New Years’ Eve that Mike ate the Potted Meat. This is his face. Eating it.

tofurky

Tofurky Bowl.

stand

A lot of standin around.

sg

Safety Grenade.

fall

the fall of 412.

words

tw

the Teenage Wasteland Springcoming dance party.

rw

random wrasslin at parties

roof

the rooftop on Maripoe

risk

world domination..

towel

kitty

shelf

More to come….

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