stuck.
Monday, June 11th, 2007
I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I mean, I have been but I haven’t. If it isn’t a potential migraine creeping up, then it’s a silent mental meltdown in front of a blank Word document with my hands making the most useless little bridges over the keys. To focus on focusing means I chase my own tail. I am writing and writhing.It’s a feeling of torture–to be so inspired and ready to create yet nothing comes out but a sputter & dust. I’m stuck. Not just there, but in every aspect. I can barely keep my clothes folded and off the floor–going out seems more trouble than it’s worth and when I go to bars all I want to do is read and not drink and people watch. It’s nothing bad or life threatening–it’s just a level of disorganization that is swallowing me whole. I want to do so much that I end up doing nothing because commencing one thing means abandoning another and I am just stuck. Like hitchhiking gum on a hydrant, or garlic in the sweat glands–like solid and slight and woe oh is this ever a pun to the pendulum.
Today is all for wriggling myself free. I’ve been here before and it can spiral into worse if I keep putzing around too scared to be the challenge that I need. I won’t find it in anything else. I just need to aim ahead and push push push–scribble when necessary and be present. I need to go out more and quit being such a social recluse. Another goal for the week: get out of the damn house. I just fear the same thing, same conversations, same locations, same mediocre experience. I need to buck the routine.
I need a kaboom.
