Last night, Joel and I watched “Man on Wire,” a documentary about Philippe Petit who successfully wire-walked between the World Trade Center towers in the 1970’s. If you haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend doing so.

Walking a wire at a ridiculous height is already something tremendous on its own, and Philippe just adds to the wonder of it–his spirit is infectious, on the tipping-point of what’s sane and works and what doesn’t. He is a man passionate about his love, his talent, his dreams.

There are a few moments in the film when his close friends become choked up, remembering the day he achieved his dream(to walk a wire between the two towers). You can hear it in the way their voice shakes and the way their eyes look up and off while describing the visual of Philippe high above them in the sky–you can see the genuine beauty of the moment they are describing. Their descriptions coupled with the film footage of Philippe’s walk brought tears to my own eyes. A moment so amazing and to think I never knew it existed until last night.

Lately, I feel like my first layer has been ripped away and more nerves are exposed–more than usual. I caught myself trying to ignore it, trying to numb it, tripwiring my conversations for easy arguments about nothing and pushing away when my defense mechanisms overwhelmed me. It is such a bratty, typical response to the big C word, that word being: Change. Because it’s here and it’s on the horizon too–it’s stuck in my hair and my breath, hoodie, shoes…they all stink with it.

Yesterday I felt so pissed, so backed in a corner about this epic pout of mine, that I went straight to my running shoes. I laced them on, knotted the lion’s mane back and took off, running two miles in the rain. I slapped my palm against the porch railing upon returning and walked the length of my street to cool down. Goose bumps popping up on my limbs–not from being cold, but from remembering what does me good…that the good is what one needs to gravitate toward. I have my legs and I have my lungs and working them makes me feel better.

Other changes: gearing up to move. I meet with a woman today post-work to see if I am getting the place I want. Oh and do I want. Hardwood floors, a sun room, affordable–I’m a fool to pass it up and so I’m not. Let’s just hope this works in my favor, as I essentially will find out today if it’s obtainable. I panicked about this earlier today but the worry isn’t helping so I stopped. We will see. If I do score the place, it means leaving something quite familiar, as in been-there-for-the-past-eight-years sort of familiar:

Another change: two good friends are leaving Pittsburgh next month. And I have to say “next month” because it’s true–I can pile on the denial but the d-day isn’t moving, and my heart feels sprawled out and simulataneously bunched up by that strange bittersweet feeling that only comes when people go. I haven’t really had to deal with someone “leaving” like this in a long time–I grew up in an environment where someone always seemed to be leaving and perhaps this is why I’m having a strange time with it. After multiple talks with mutual friends, I know I am not alone in feeling that a piece of the city is going away with them–we discuss it amongst ourselves in short, incredulous statements because anything more seems like too much. Things get sniffly. However, my heart soars and swells around itself to think of all the adventures that will be coming their way, and that a year from now they will be getting married. They are two people that I am immensely, fiercely proud of–not just on a friendship level but on that basic human level as well. They are simply tremendous people.

Thus concludes an update/entry that is a bit all over the place. More to come from this scatterbrain, I’m sure.