You know what I’m thinking about right now? Certain/not-so-certain questions about the self, usually found on Meyers Briggs-type tests. Such as: are you more spontaneous, or a planner? Do you function better with routine, or when the weeks ahead look like a row of question marks? Do you prefer roots, or uprooting?

Those are, undoubtedly, the questions that stump me. Part of me says, “well yes–I adore the spontaneous and want nothing less from my life.” And then there is a part of me that packs my messenger bag the same way every morning for my ride into work. The part that feels like a castaway the minute a normal day goes awry with a cancelled class or abbreviated work day. I guess I can only say I’m split, somewhat jagged and only slightly near the middle, on the subject.

Why am I even wondering this? First of all, I feel like I’m wondering about everything right now. Second, I think taking a six week college course is messing with my head. I have zero plans to be somewhere other than “here” during the week, yet here I am worrying about the idea that I could have somewhere to be/go and now I can’t because I have class twice a week. The commitment is freaking me out a bit. I have no idea why, or where this is coming from. It’s sudden that I feel so concerned about this new thumb on my neck. And it is a thumb! It isn’t that big of a deal, really.

Because of this new temporary routine I’m finding myself aching for the spontaneous. The on-a-whim, the never-planned. I’m giddy about the prospect of getting rid of half of my things(at least). On my way home I ride the bike past my street just to have somewhere different to go. I feel hungry for something different, and at the same time I kind of long to disappear. I’m tired yet feel a twinge of the crazy eye(from running on fumes/too much coffee/too many thoughts). My bones want sleep but the dermis boasts mad stacks of matchsticks, and it’s only a matter of time before something rubs hard enough to spark it. An odd mess.

It’s all okay and everything’s functioning, except for the block. The big b-l-o-c-k still putting a big ol’ dent in my general creative well-being. If you are the creative type you might know how this is–the world can present itself as your brilliant oyster but if the creative pistons aren’t firing right then none of it feels far from falling apart. This too shall pass. It will. I have faith in that, above all else. I’m slowly, sloooowly winding down a piece for a good friend and every line added to it is like another deep breath. I’m working through.

And thank goodness for friends. Tait and I met up at the coffee shop yesterday and talked for a bit. His energy and spirit as a writer is so contagious and refreshing. Plus he’s so open and willing to discuss the process. That means a lot right now. I walked away making a promise to myself to journal more, take more time to sit with the thoughts and form ideas, instead of just attacking the page in short bursts of no-direction.

And so I’m babbling. I’m also incredibly exhausted. More tired this week than I have been in some time. I’m staying very active–in body and mind, so I suppose it’s an exhaustion that I can enjoy.