i have this pdf.
What ever passion you have in the thrill of your veins–treat it well. It does give back.
Livejournal has a wonderful feature which allows you to convert your journal, in its entirety, to a PDF document. I have kept one from 2000 to 2006, and I am currently picking through the entries, and it has become a landfill of memories. I get the looking glass cracked view into a couple lives that I lived. It is not now, because I cannot be–it is something gone but existing in new silver blisters in the thread, caught when they catch the light. Most of these moments, despite size or imporance, would be gone if I did not write. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again–if some things were never written down, I would not know of them.
I can tell what ever it is that I was hiding at the time, when I read certain cryptic sentences. There are run on statements from crying in the library and recaps of trips taken, the days and weeks with headaches and random thoughts. I quoted songs that I could not sing back to you anymore and inside jokes that I can’t laugh at anymore–it’s strange, you know. You can’t just lay out years of a life like that all the time. I can only spend minutes at a time doing this because any more than that is too much. I don’t remember being that quiet or being that adament about decisions that existed to yank at what I had in my grip at the time(which is and always will be nothing, though we think we have possessions to our limb we are just a figure still being sketched, pretending we aren’t fugitives).