just to get it out.
In regards to my head, the past week has been a bit rough. I know that monthly migraine attacks are somewhat inevitable since it’s linked to hormonal changes in the body, however, it doesn’t mean I’m always prepared. I’ve had them for twenty years and still, certain attacks leave me embarrassed, anxious and concerned about how this condition affects the people around me. I get apologetic and antsy.
Last night I ended up in the ER due to a bad one, and I felt so sad about it, so trapped, so sorry. I know that I cannot help it, and I know that I have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, but in the moment it is hard to feel anything else about it besides shame and worry and fear. I know that some of those feelings stem from the dip in serontonin(the brain’s feelgood chemical..which is tied to/affected by migraines), but I still have to do my best to digest them, deal with them.
With any chronic ailment, it’s easy to get caught up in the ailment/illness itself—it’s difficult to view the self outside of this box. I know that who I am as a person is much more than the head pain, more than the dark rooms I must retire to, more than the engagements and obligations that I must cancel/back out of. Still. I mourn the evenings, mornings, afternoons, events missed due to pain. I worry about upsetting people that care about me because I don’t want to put them in a position to feel helpless, to not know what to do. I do not want to be judged based on something that I cannot completely control. I do not enjoy viewing myself as a sick person, but sometimes I get fed up and can only see the illness. I try to live my life to the fullest when I am feeling well, and I try my best to let the people in my life know how much I appreciate and value them, and that I mean no harm when I am not feeling well. Being sick makes me sad, and it makes me feel helpless. It seems taboo to have such an intense pain that you cannot see from the outside; it seems strange to have such a tornado on top of my neck, to be so sensitive to my surroundings and yet do my damnedest to rebel against it because I don’t want to stay in bed and waste more time catering to what frustrates me the most.
There isn’t a purpose to this entry, other than getting it out, other than to remind myself that I am not an illness. I am not my pain. It’s okay to feel embarrassed and sorry as long as I know that these are common feelings with this sort of thing, and though they have a source: there is nothing, absolutely nothing, to feel ashamed of. My migraines do not make me any less of a person, or any less valuable.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
very honest and well written. i imagined tiny you with your big beautiful eyes sitting in the emergency room feeling this way and i wanted to zap myself there to sit with you and help you. i can only imagine what this must be like. it’s so good that you are writing it out and sharing it with us.
do normal painkillers not work? are you afraid of having to take them so much? i don’t know a lot about this illness. every time i get a mild headache i find it unbearable and i always think of you and how crazy painful it must be. love you.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
normal painkillers do not work. i take excedrin migraine for maintenance/the dull daily pain. over the years i’ve been on migrainol, imitrex, Topamax, Cafergot, Inderol, antiseizure meds, antidepressants, had a CAT scan and an MRI. Nothing provides relief for very long. I still have a few homeopathic methods to try though.