Last night I started writing about getting baptized. Age: 17 years old. I’ve talked about it, but this is the first go at putting words down, and it’s kind of amazing. It’s funny to remember my thoughts, the act, the disconnect. Getting in my car with wet hair, sitting in the parking for a long time. A church near Rte 73, and some cornfields.

Maybe I wanted to experience something so ritual, something believed in beyond me(the subject, gowned and submerged does not give a bow, however, receives applause at a suspicious volume)—maybe I needed the concept of unconditional love in the form of participation. That some…thing out of scope pulled me there telling me this is where you need to be. But the some…thing never tugged on me. Just a kid trying. I had to try everything.

Entered the room in a bending puff of white. A gown so thin I wondered what could be seen from far away, or did my shape beneath remain a pause of darkness, heart of a sheep beating? I wondered that, lifting the hem with my knees to step into the altar. The congregation watched me sift myself into the water. Cold. The dress swirled away from me, bubbles of material refusing the plane I waded through.

I find it funny now—that I went alone. I did not mention the baptism to my father, my sister. I kept it to myself(I know now because I wasn’t sure). How could I tell them: I do not understand love, and so I came here?

I heard words and watched the stillness of lined legs. I pulled my eyes over the tops of heads, felt a hand fall onto my own. The trick is to let your knees give out while they push down. Do not resist. I resisted, not ready, and the hand gave a private little force. Pressure. My legs surrendered and I went under.

I did not understand the water, the ritual, the reason. I did not care for the surfacing.  I accepted a towel, returned to my sad pile of clothes, thinking:  nobody should be this wet mid-November.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 3rd, 2008 at 9:04 pm and is filed under writing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.