honeydunce

Another rough start to another work week. The Monday migraine unfolded its toxic limbs into Tuesday. On Wednesday, the monster dragged itself away leaving behind dizzy spells–they felt like the ocean residing from shore. My description of “feel” never quite makes the sense I need it to: yesterday I felt like a face without features, a two dimensional nothing–I never know how to feel after hours of feeling like dying. [sidenote about describing how I feel during/after an attack: very difficult to articulate to someone who doesn’t get them. Talking to a person that does? They can finish my sentences.]

Stuck with the last plane of plexiglass between me and the rest of the world. Prolonged amounts of pain will separate you. The mind goes somewhere else–never am I more of a shell than when I am in pain. Honestly I am not sure where I go. This is also why it’s difficult to ask for help–in the moment I know I need something, but what? Usually it comes down to wanting the presence of another being. Going through a migraine is a tumble down the rabbit hole–reality becomes a separate entity. Having a friend there keeps me from drifting too far, I think.

I’m meeting with one of my doctors at lunch time tomorrow. Here is where wheels are heaved in motion. I have to take a deep breath and just go for it, even though I know it sucks. Scheduling appointments, paperwork, referrals, medication suggestions and tests. Time to climb through those hoops again, knowing half the battle is staying encouraged. I fear the side effects and of course I fear the lack of an answer(again). How much will I have to compromise? I ask myself that but then think about big blank spots left in the wake of another migraine, the big blank spots gnawing through my days. I think about how much I already compromise. How I’ve built my limits around those wretched things.