Wednesday, May 6, 2015

returning

this entry was written over a period of days(Monday to today, Wednesday), so excuse any error of past/present tense used...I'll try to use headings to make it easier

Monday evening
Good evening from Cairo. I have returned. I'm sitting on my balcony. Here is my current view:



Confession: I've only been awake for 3ish hours. I hate this confession. I hate it so much, because it means I've been asleep for a good part of my day due to jet lag. She is a mighty, mighty beast this jet lag thing. I am never prepared for the reality of it until I realize I've gone an entire night without sleeping(aka last night). I busted my way through 9 time zones so the 'lag is a surprise to no one. Well, maybe a little bit surprising to me(but that's because I am naive and assume that I can somehow outsmart the body clock and conquer it every time I travel--NOPE).

Aside from this grueling jet lag, my trip back to the middle east was relatively easy. As easy as 3 flights, 9 time zones can be. I am growing into quite a fan of Qatar Airways. Vegan meals! Oh so important on such a long haul.


obligatory "i'm in the sky!" shot because I never ever tire of being around some clouds

I miss my family a great deal already, but I am also happy to be back. I feel like I've done a bit of internal peacemaking this month, especially in regards to my relationship with Cairo, my current home. I suppose a part of me thought I would get here and jump in/swim with the current. No problem, no weight, no worry. I came to this place so hellbent on respecting it, and somewhere along the way my determination to be respectful turned me into a two-dimensional shadow of a person...aka just not being my damn self. I'm not sure why this happened. Maybe jumping into the mostly-unknown brings up a more reserved nature in me? That's a simple way to say it. I'm also starting to understand the true impact of the past year in my life--a lot of loss and change. So very much change.

Wednesday, early afternoon
Finally finally finally! I slept some proper hours last night. I woke up at 10am, very bleary-eyed, but awake. This was a welcomed change from staying awake all night and then sleeping 7 to 3pm. I had granola and coffee with J for the first time since I returned. We watched The Daily Show and enjoyed the moment.

So...to continue my ramblings from writing on Monday...I've returned to Cairo with a much better attitude than I departed with. A new determination to give myself a shot in this new place. To not just understand my environment, but to believe in who I am within it. That was my previous disconnect. I have felt so flung out in various directions--bits of me left in Pittsburgh, more of me left in my hometown(from first being there then returning)...so many rooms of my mind are piled with memories/emotions/moments from these places, and I am the type of thinker who must go through all of them, who is desperate to remember all of the gestures and measures and shifts in wind. It is this enormous amount of examining that has held me back and created a feeling of being half-here. Being present in the past does nothing for my now. There are answers in my living, not in what I left.

And is anything truly left behind if we lived it?

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