Wednesday, February 18, 2015

on the inward hammer/chisel

It is today but I've got my mind on tomorrow. I have my second therapy appointment and I'm already feeling unnecessary nerves about it. Here is where I pause and debate my use of "unnecessary." Is it useless to be anxious about spending a concentrated hour on working on myself, or is this anxious feeling completely justified? Is it completely normal to feel nervous about it? Am I thinking too much on this? Probably.

I am grateful to find the assistance I need while living in another country. I am grateful for the time and space to unpack some shit and get some things right. Last week I left my first session completely exhausted, and I know this exhaustion--I know it is a good kind of tired. It means I'm working. I'd like to think I work on myself on a daily basis--but the heavy duty stuff is extra tiring. Plus in session I feel this brand new pressure to explain myself and what I am struggling with.

The part of me that is anxious about tomorrow is also the part of me that whispers ignorance is bliss, this dark dark bit of me that would rather stay unwell and out of touch with myself because that is what I am used to and, therefore, "comfortable" with. Quotes are necessary here because it is not real comfort. There is no comfort in the depth of depression--there is familiarity, and that is what is comfortable. The negative builds a groove, too. It takes effort and desire and skill to bump yourself out of that rut and forge a new path--one that is positive, and healthy. It takes repetition and time and it requires accepting that it will involve discomfort.

I'm not sure why I'm making a post about this, other than needing to, and this overwhelming desire to be honest about what I want from myself. Exploring and being in this new place/country is very exciting and inspiring, and I want to share that. But I know my internal work(the work on myself) must continue, and a change of scenery doesn't nullify that at all. If anything, it shoves the internal into a spotlight. Who I really am becomes much more apparent in an entirely different country. I am more surrounded by the unfamiliar than the familiar, and this inspires me to try new things mentally/emotionally too. It also provokes more retreating into the mind, more desire for what is familiar and safe, and if that place(my mind) doesn't feel safe, then...what does? I knew that coming to Egypt would mean facing myself in a brand new way.

Wherever you go there you are. It's so true right now it's frightening.

I'll wrap this up here. I'm going to focus on today for as long as it lasts, and decide to worry about tomorrow when it comes. And when it is tomorrow, I'd like to twist that worry into excitement, because I am worth the time and the effort. I am not a scary place.

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