Thursday, December 18, 2014

gulp

Well, it was only a matter of time. I'm getting married in less than 48 hours and I'm starting to feel all sorts of emotions.

The main one I'm feeling is a sudden rush/overwhelming need to ball my eyes out. This occurs most often while I'm driving my car and/or thinking about my family. My dad especially. It's starting to hit him that his youngest daughter, the baby of the family, is getting married(and moving out of the country in about a month). Of course I don't want to deprive him of his emotions/feelings about it, but I'll say this: even thinking about my dad crying makes me start to cry. And, apparently, so does simply typing it.

I have always had this overwhelming need to make sure my family knows I am okay. That I am tough and hard-working--a survivor, a fighter, and a good person. I am these things because of them. I've always said: if I had to live my life for my family, I would. In a nanosecond, I would do so without complaint. And while my heart is in the right place when I say that, it isn't what is right. The best/most right(and realistic) thing I can do is to live my life as fully as I can for myself. Doing so has been a tough lesson for me to absorb--it's taken me a long time to be comfortable living my life for me, and not feeling destroyed by guilt over it. It's always been my nature to put others first. Especially family.

I haven't been all that stressed out about this getting married thing--I'm marrying my best friend and I'm excited to go forward having many, many adventures together. Others immediately around me have been a bit stressed, and that in turn has made me more anxious. Up until today I was feeling very frustrated by that. I'm realizing that it's an emotional time for all of us, and being worried about minute details is part of that emotion. I need to practice patience with that. Everyone says your wedding "is all about you," and it is but it isn't. It seems to be about so many things...much more than I was prepared for. A lot of that is because of tradition. And I can make light of this event as much as I want...it's still a very big deal to get married. I was never a girl who dreamed of her wedding, or of getting married for that matter. But here I am days away hunched over a draft of my vows, trying not to cry when I think of my family.

Here I am, living my life for me.

Life is wonderful and strange and scary and never, ever like I thought it might be. I thought many things, but never these stacks on stacks of experiences, never all these lives I feel like I've lived thus far. Marrying my best friend and living overseas will most likely be my greatest adventure yet. I am so excited and so scared and we all know how brilliant that mixture can be. That combination is everything that life is made of.

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