Saturday, November 29, 2014

just call it hmmph.

I'm at the coffee shop, a spinning still present on the edges of vision, temples still lit with villainous fuzz. If I didn't get out of bed though I would've never left it, so I'm here sipping from a large mug trying to will away the impending pain. Sometimes migraines are like hangovers without the wild night. Sometimes I get really bitter about that, how my previous actions never asked for it. Shoot, I went to bed early.

But I know this, I always know this--everyone who suffers from them knows this. You can avoid all that might summon them and they'll still arrive. They'll hatchet down the front door and claw through the drywall. They stay for as long as they fuckin' want.

I feel like this week was one big ache, so maybe today's pain is fitting.

I did not write enough. Instead I worked ten hour days and felt way too sensitive for the world. Last night Janay Rice was on television, defending her reason for staying with Ray Rice after he clocked her in an elevator. Worth noting: I purposely avoided the security footage. And then one day the news played it as a preview. "Coming next on the news..." style. I think it was a super inappropriate move on the channel's part--the footage is awful and triggering. That still bothers me. Last night I hurriedly turned off Janay's interview because she too is triggering to me. There is no justification that might emit from her lips--I will never, ever agree with her decision to stay with her abuser. I do not want or need to hear her reasons. I want to say I feel sorry for her and leave it at that, but I also feel complete disgust.

My blood seemed half a degree from boiling all week. I can't stand blatant disrespect and that's a common theme in my work environment. The job is temporary and necessary and I remind myself of this multiple times a day. I arrive in the dark and leave in the dark and grip my sanity in between 'til the knuckles sing sore. And then here I am on my day off with my head crashing in on itself. The sky is a loaded gray like right before a big rain and that's pretty much how today feels.

It does me good to get this out. My coffee cup is empty. Time for some frozen yogurt, family time, and self-care. I'll come back when I feel better.


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