Monday, August 11, 2014

In the atlantic

Today I promised a whole lot of things to the ocean. In her, I drifted, sun and salt in my eyes letting the waves take me in between bouts of resisting. I reminded myself: this place is a beast. A constant beast, here even when I leave, when it snows, when it am in pain or angry or sad. This is what I think when I need calming, a gentle reminder of consistency, of nature. She rules all.

Everything I promised I will keep. They are both little and massive, and I will live by them to the letter. In the ocean I floated, recognizing both the light and the heavy that is existing. I felt bold and petrified out there, the slightest thing in a big ol body, yet still within the only body I've ever known. I let myself feel bizarre, wild on all my thoughts.

I recognize that I am at a very, very crucial point. Heavy on the very. Facts and stats aside, I feel like a tree whose roots have buckled sidewalk and warped nearby roads. I'm growing and ruining the nice things set into place around me. It's a pleasing thing, this peculiar sprint of growth. In destruction comes release.


Today i told the ocean and in return she held me and frightened me. I rose to meet every wave save for one I didn't see, and while looking down she slapped me quite good along the head. I watched swells of her build in the distance, her edges fizzing on my limbs after passing through. I want to be you, I thought to myself. All the water in me should be this brave.

I don't know what it means to write this here, but I am ready to be who I truly am, and this means letting go of a lot of things I thought meant something. It means I no longer spend time building excuses for my heart. It would be nice if I could convince myself(and others) that I have always been the sort that has been good to herself but I have not been kind nor fair. There's always been some reason to hang onto the rotten, and now...now? Now I don't have time to make up one. I don't have time and I don't have energy. I'm exhausted with being awful to myself. Something has to change if I want to stay above the water.




2 comments:

  1. Me, too - I'm pretty much schtuck with my BIG ol heart schtikkin' out; that sumtimes causes me trouble, yet, usually people can sense I'm head injured and, thus, they instinctively know where my HEART lies. Seventh-Heaven --- Not trying to change your beliefs, yet, proving what’s literally Upstairs. Greetings, earthling. Because I was an actual NDE on the outskirts of the Great Beyond at 15 yet wasn’t allowed in, lemme share with you what I actually know Seventh-Heaven’s gonna be like for us: meet this ultra-bombastic, ex-mortal-Upstairs for the most-extra-blatant-and-groovy, pleasure-beyond-measure, Ultra-Yummy-Reality-Addiction in the Great Beyond for a BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy, eternal-warp-drive you DO NOT wanna miss the sink-your-teeth-in-the-smmmokin’-hot-deal. YES! For God, anything and everything and more! is possible!! Cya soon…

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