Thursday, June 19, 2014

a love letter

I never thought about my opinion of fire. And yet, this is how I think: I think about what I think about things. How I think about those things. A mind that will not sleep, refuses to walk--goes right for the lean-forward, full stride and all muscles firing. It will not quiet, and I won't still it. The beauty is it's mine, I know it. Embrace it, even. The real stunner is knowing you know exactly what I mean.

So, fire. Approached in small doses--campfire, late night with chilly legs, a little kid both frightened and thrilled by the darkness, the woods and smells and no walls. No walls anywhere. Petrified by the Halloween themes curled around those bonfires--sceances and smoke, so convinced of ghosts in the distance that I couldn't decide in or out and I spent much of the time running between doors, night and artificial kitchen light. Grown-ups urging: pick one. The warmth of fire on my face--I remember that. I stood until it hurt too much. Sound familiar?

This month is it's own kind of fire as I adjust to a new but familiar environment. June has brought the heat--days that feel like I'm stuck in a blow dryer. It feels like I sweat when I blink. I'm working out in my dad's garage past 9pm because any earlier means no relief. Jumping jacks and uppercuts with the lightning bugs, sometimes thunder rumbling in distance. I will remember these days as hot, stretched out in car rides on back roads. Every day I check to see how high the corn has grown.

And every day it grows.

a summer storm rolls in

It's been months since I've leaned into you. It is a simple motion, this leaning. It might even be a subconscious gesture, a magnetism of aorta. I dream about this lean. Rise of lungs on shoulder blade. Repeat. I crave this small thing like in-season fruit.

Living back in our hometown reminds me of you in new ways, as the us we are now. I don't know if that makes sense but I think I needed to be back here and make peace with this place. Everyone has a bit of that with where they come from--a push-pull, a strain and a love and a loathe...feelings we only grant glimpses of on visits. Now I'm in the thick of it, doing just fine with the same ol' zip code. I think about when we met up for the first time after all those years and shut the bar down. We kissed in a parking lot, and you bet your ass when I drive by it even now I crane my neck hoping to catch some other smitten pair out between the streetlights holding on for dear life.

You will be here in five days. My heart is all stomping dinosaur vibrating water cups and dropping goat legs on sun roof. Yes I'm excited to delirium. All this waiting--we've been so patient. I'm better for it. I feel sorry for anyone at the airport who might be caught between us when I catch sight of you. How could I bear to stand still with you in close proximity? Baby I'll be sprinting. Trust me. Set your bags down, arms out. Be ready.

I love you.

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