Wednesday, May 14, 2014

things

I am sitting among my possessions, few and stacked lopsided by the door. An overflowing carload for a long weekend trip to Ohio. Once a year my old hometown holds a garage sale extravaganza(their word, not mine) for one weekend in May. The entire city grinds to a halt. I'm going back to move some things and hopefully sell some other belongings. I'm looking forward to a pile of podcasts and the open road tomorrow.

There is no more preparing for transition. This is transition. We are now in the meat of the verb. Sorting, discarding, boxes. I took apart some furniture yesterday and the act felt very bittersweet, as if my clothing rack was the very last strand holding all of this shit together. Abacus has a new home(oh how I have cried about her absence--so many, many tears). Every room is in its own disarray. Yesterday, Renee and I had the word "inksister" tattooed on our hands--the word is in her handwriting on my wrist, and it is in my penmanship on hers. Indeed, I am running out of time here.

I want to write so badly lately but can't sit still enough to get the thoughts down. Also there is a lot of emotion and I worry that sitting down with a pen will just bring me to more tears. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But I'll never know because the worry keeps me from even trying. I keep telling myself to get through this move and then I can sit in front of a piece of paper for as long as I want.

I see Jon in roughly 40 days. The distance has been getting to us both this week. It's funny how much something like being held or a kiss on the forehead or a shared in-person laugh could change your day or fix a mood...but it's true. I know it now, because we do not get to have those moments. The things two may take for granted in a same-city relationship. We are both patient and strong and doing our best. I believe in myself, and I believe in us. So waiting will have to do. We're pretty damn good at it at this point.

So, those are things. Perhaps I will get to sit down and write some poems soon. Or maybe my days will be all packing and lifting heavy objects for a while. I stare at my journal often and quietly apologize to the empty pages waiting for me there. It's a very emotional time...leaving this place after 13 years. I have so many thoughts that maybe it's best right now not to think, but only do. Be all action and get through it, reflect on the other side. This is a time of moving on. So move I do.

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