Friday, January 17, 2014

of things ago

Yesterday was January 16th. For thirteen years now, I've held onto that date. It may never slip my mind. In 2001 I had a miscarriage. I spent a hellish 12 hours in the hospital, had an emergency D&C. I wrote down all the details of the experience but never need to reference it--I know it all by heart. Even now, even so long ago. Long enough that I have to count the years between on my fingers. Yikes--this year, if things went a little differently, I'd be celebrating my kid's thirteenth birthday.

It feels a little strange to be completely thankful that such a heartbreaking thing occurred. Even the sad and confusing can happen for a reason. Considering the chaos I was living in, that loss was a necessary thing. I did not see it then--I was a different person--I was young. I was stuck. I was in an abusive relationship with an unpredictable alcoholic monster. Having a miscarriage might have saved my life, who knows. I don't think I will ever fully understand what I lived through. It is a moment in my life where I can consider the road split, the other direction I may have gone...I can point and say "here is where I cannot fathom." Because I cannot.

I was isolated and alone when it came to dealing with this, which is why perhaps it took me so long to wrap my head around the relief of what happened and not just the sadness. Time healed. Growing up and realizing I deserved better healed me as well. I can accept the experience as a blessing, which is a long, long way from being consumed by loss.

The date stays with me. The recognition, however, has shifted. Perception cannot dwell on the tragic. This life of mine, end to end, is mine. I am thankful for it. For surviving. For growing up. For all of the experiences and moments and lessons. Even the most difficult ones. Especially the most difficult ones?

God it's so weird--looking back on your younger self as an adult. It's not that the story is different. The story remains intact. It is the narrator. It is the heart. It is what we name each chapter that changes.

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