Thursday, December 12, 2013

in 9

This time of year is always a strange game of push-me/pull-me--on one hand, out of habit, I tend to hold my breath until the new year ticks over. I've always associated a sadness with these holidays--even as a six or seven year old child, playing with the baby Jesus in the nativity scene, that strange devestation would come sit on me(I remember blue lights from the tree & tears I shed beside them). I've had both beautiful and terrible memories from this time of year. I hold my breath, I roll my eyes at the strange energy of others while simultaneously shuffling my own low under the rug. There is the rubber band effect once Thanksgiving hits--it all slips quick out of our hands, under then behind us. Lines of the road; I'm sure I've noted the metaphor before.

I leave for Egypt in 9 days. Nine! People ask me if I'm excited and it takes all my strength not to throw both hands above my head and shout YES! YES I! AM! SO! EXCITED!


BECAUSE! I AM!

This weekend I scurry off to Ohio once more before my departure for an impromptu, early-ish xmas celebration since I won't be in the country for the actual holiday. I am sad to miss winter break with my family--there is no joy like the joy of Christmas morning for a 6 year old and 3 year old. I'll be sure to Skype in for the destruction of wrapping paper and hollering of new toys. Of course it won't be the same as being there. I'm sad about it, but this trip means so much to me, and will speak volumes about what comes next. Now, more than ever, I need to go toe to toe with my challenges. I need to seek them out. So much in life seems to be about timing. From the outside, my now might seem inconvenient in regards to logistics. But ah, that's the beauty of it. Timing is not about midnight on the last day of the year, and timing is not about being ready(when can one ever be, truly?) and it defies all coordinates. True timing might be the nonsensical alignment of heart, brain, and gut. That's the closest I can get to it--by saying might and nonsensical.

Whatever it is, it is now.

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