Tuesday, December 31, 2013


It is the last day of 2013 and I am in Cairo, Egypt. I will be ringing in the new year when it is only 5pm in the states. It feels appropriate. I want 2014 to start as soon as possible.

My time in Egypt has been absolutely...magical. And everything. And beautiful, and eye-opening and just what I needed. It is an end and a beginning. I tug my words from the air and from my heart and the syllables just aren't enough. It goes beyond that. It is feeling--it is the known undefined. It is my gut. It is what I want, and it is my future.

May the next year be challenging and rewarding for all of us. Make it so. Do not tread in your comfort. Extend and risk.

All my love.

Thursday, December 19, 2013



This week might as well be the one that never existed. I'm here, sort of. But not really. I'm one foot in the airplane, one foot seven hours forward. I'm out the door already. I leave for Egypt this Saturday and the days til then shall be blurs.

I've been running around doing errands, crossing off items on the to-do list(s) and all the while my heart is thumping quick and heavy--swinging feet first from collarbone and kicking ribs. I am drum built under lake; buried far below so the cattails won't shake.

Earlier tonight Jocelyn asked me if I was ready. My eyes were wide and damn near shivering their sockets when I paused there, half out her door, and really considered the question. And my heart was all kick-out-the-jams in my chest. The pounding of it informed the rest of me. You better believe I'm ready.


banana peels &
gunsmoke, paragraphs that pull
from binding
like teeth

Thursday, December 12, 2013

in 9

This time of year is always a strange game of push-me/pull-me--on one hand, out of habit, I tend to hold my breath until the new year ticks over. I've always associated a sadness with these holidays--even as a six or seven year old child, playing with the baby Jesus in the nativity scene, that strange devestation would come sit on me(I remember blue lights from the tree & tears I shed beside them). I've had both beautiful and terrible memories from this time of year. I hold my breath, I roll my eyes at the strange energy of others while simultaneously shuffling my own low under the rug. There is the rubber band effect once Thanksgiving hits--it all slips quick out of our hands, under then behind us. Lines of the road; I'm sure I've noted the metaphor before.

I leave for Egypt in 9 days. Nine! People ask me if I'm excited and it takes all my strength not to throw both hands above my head and shout YES! YES I! AM! SO! EXCITED!


This weekend I scurry off to Ohio once more before my departure for an impromptu, early-ish xmas celebration since I won't be in the country for the actual holiday. I am sad to miss winter break with my family--there is no joy like the joy of Christmas morning for a 6 year old and 3 year old. I'll be sure to Skype in for the destruction of wrapping paper and hollering of new toys. Of course it won't be the same as being there. I'm sad about it, but this trip means so much to me, and will speak volumes about what comes next. Now, more than ever, I need to go toe to toe with my challenges. I need to seek them out. So much in life seems to be about timing. From the outside, my now might seem inconvenient in regards to logistics. But ah, that's the beauty of it. Timing is not about midnight on the last day of the year, and timing is not about being ready(when can one ever be, truly?) and it defies all coordinates. True timing might be the nonsensical alignment of heart, brain, and gut. That's the closest I can get to it--by saying might and nonsensical.

Whatever it is, it is now.

Friday, December 6, 2013

films lately

I've stumbled upon some darn good cinema over the past few months. Funny how much a mood or life change will influence what one wants to watch, even to decompress or escape the usual for a bit. Lately I've been into subtleties, and human connection(as always). A lot of love, some ache, some quiet moments between characters. The kind of massive, massive silence that isn't quiet at all. I thought I would share some of the films that struck me.

Take this Waltz
You have your couple, played by Michelle Williams and Seth Rogan. I like Williams. She can pull off a shit ton of emotion in one character(see: Brokeback Mountain, Blue Valentine, Me Without You). Rogan's character is a bit flat in this, I felt, but he doesn't need to be much. He's her sweet partner. But then there's this OTHER fellow that Williams crosses paths with randomly on a plane...she returns home to run into him AGAIN because surprise! He lives right down the street. There's flirting, there's not-flirting which IS actually flirting and then there's the not flirting and REALLY not flirting. There comes a point where you are just waiting for one of them to lean in and make all of it a reality. Before we even go near that point, they have this conversation. I found this scene pretty intense. He tells her what exactly he would do if they could take it a step further(it's a little graphic, language-wise):

Yeah. Intense.

No spoilers here. All I'm going to say is that it includes "Take this Waltz" by Lou Reed at a really interesting point. It's on Netflix. I liked it.

28 Hotel Rooms

I'll admit it--I have a crush on Chris Messina. So there's that.

This movie centers on two people, both married, who cross paths on a business trip. Over time they maintain their affair thanks to the nature of their jobs(lots of travel, hence the name of the film). You're watching two people fall in love, have a relationship, that shouldn't be doing so at all. At first it felt awkward to me, to watch their meet-ups and their hot/cold. So in-the-moment and on fire when first meeting, but somewhat distant and almost business-like when it is time to depart. They meet up so often that you do start to see their connection unfold. I am a huge fan of the lighting and cinematography in this movie--most of it takes place in hotel rooms, so the lighting is usually dim or very exact with where it falls. A lot of their moments are intimate, one on one. There are close shots of the body, time lapse sequences of sex and the mundane.

This is also on Netflix.

Next up:
Crystal Fairy and the Magical Cactus

This is on Netflix as well. I wanted to watch it as soon as I saw that Gaby Hoffmann played one of the lead roles. She's always been one of my favorite actresses, plus she grew up in the Chelsea Hotel(color me a little envious there). Her acting is top notch. This is a weird movie, but if you like ones that are about human connection and doing drugs you will enjoy.

Michael Cera's character is kind of a dick in this movie, and he plays it well. He's the American guy that wants to find the cactus, cook it down, and do the drug. He wants to trip, ASAP. He becomes annoying with his determination, even to his travelmates. He invites a girl along that he meets at a party named Crystal Fairy. He mocks her a bit to his travel companions and none of them feel very comfortable when Crystal Fairy comes out of the shower and is completely fine hanging out/standing around completely naked as they converse. She's comfortable with herself, plus she's a little out there, so no one knows what to make of her.

I'm a big fan of the cinematography in this one, plus I think they captured the essence of tripping quite well. I love when Cera's character starts to think his voice sounds funny and he just keeps yelling out to prove his point. I loved Crystal Fairy in this movie so much. Gaby Hoffmann nails it.


Frances Ha

The entire thing is shot in black and white, and I love Frances so much. It's a movie about friendship and finding yourself and being clumsy and giving shit a go anyway. I don't want to say too much about it. It's a really sweet film with great dialogue. Again, very subtle stuff.