Friday, September 27, 2013

time missing

I am becoming obsessed with my lost time. The many swatches of time(at the minimum in hour increments, sometimes days) that I lose to migraines.

Today I woke up and I was tired, but alright. Packed my messenger bag and slowly prepared for the ride into work. I was walking from the bathroom back to the bedroom and boom--pain in my right temple like a bomb, ripples of pressure. Like the white of the egg flaring out from the yolk once it skydives into pan. As sudden as a punch; I wasn't ready for it so I felt for the wall with one hand and leaned to it for the rest of my walk. Within 20 minutes I was too dizzy to walk around anymore so sprawled on the bed I dialed numbers for work and called in sick. Aside from pain I know I had shock to my voice, I know I did. This one came on like a rush. Usually I wake up with them already full grown or they require a steady incline to fully reach potential.

Anyway. I forced myself to eat just enough to swallow some melatonin. Then I slept and slept. This is what is required. I check out; I leave the reality I know because there's no longer room for me there. Pain makes sure of that. Sleep is the only safety. So I go to sleep and I lose time. It is evening now and I am just getting around to checking the news to see what happened in the world while I was gone. Extreme-sounding, yeah. But that's how it is. I don't know the day in a migraine state.

During my first round of sleep I lost about six hours. The pain dreams found me. I had a dream I was laying around with Rihanna and she said she loved me, only to leave for another concert and in her wake I learned she used me all along. In the second dream I was carjacked by 2 brothers. I was saved by a giant bearded man, a biker in black tshirt stretching over his giant gut. He breathed heavy and he loved me, so he showed up to save me. On the back of each hand perched a hawk, and he flung them after the two criminals who took off running. Each hawk grabbed a neck and slammed them down to the earth.

Then I woke up.

I bluffed my way through the afternoon, sliding on sunglasses and shuffling to the co-op for sustenance. I made salad with shaky hands and observed everyone around me in the middle of their routines, or so I assumed. I felt like I usually do in the midst of a migraine--fuzzy, transparent. The sun was shining. I could move as slow as I wanted.

Came home, ate food, swallowed supplements. Let a movie play while I pressed the right side of my head into the pillow. Fell back asleep, another dream. This time a grasshopper flew into my sock and in the dream I was too disgusted to properly remove it. I smashed it with the corner of a book while it wiggled in my sock. I woke up waving my hands, completely grossed out. But the migraine was gone. I could tell. The finally strip of storm clouds migrated, my sky going clear.

Immediately I bike to the coffee shop to check my email and read up on the news. I read the headlines and feel that I've fallen behind. Don't know how to explain that feeling. It sinks in me, this realization that the world will keep turning, shit still happens while I am removed. Removal. Where do I go?

And even more pressing: where do the hours I miss accumulate--is there a final resting place for hours and days spent far away? Does that lost reality gather somewhere to create something that looks like my life but better? Does it create a reality without pain--is missing time painless? By term it sounds painful, or lacking. And if it doesn't exist, why do I miss it?

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