Wednesday, July 31, 2013

thoughts as a result of thinking too much

To work on what I love. It is sometimes more difficult than I could've imagined. Or at least it isn't my instinct to call it work, to be tireless. It is, sometimes, simply this thing I do. As certain as brushing hair out of my eyes or bending my knee when I walk. A reflex. A necessity.

What I love is writing. Whatever it is in me that's all trigger. However that flint might have been formed. I think of a lighter, the kickspin of mechanics, that tiny wheel with thumb kiss and eventual callous. Call it a flame or a fire and if you do, be sure to feed her. It's a part of me I can't work around or bullshit my way past. Just gotta walk through.

To work on what you love. Living is part of the work--living and doing and saying yes to more of the things that petrify me. Another part is reading the works of others--studying those writers that speak to us. I do that as well. I write, definitely. I read my poems and stare at them, shuffle them around and tap the backspace key with slight hesitation. I work and rework the one line that will never fit(until I crack its neck and lop off appendages). I get frustrated--I walk away from some poems and vow to never give them the time of day again.

I worry that my relationship to my work is not always the nicest. But aren't we all a little Jekyll and Hyde about this sort of thing? Nothing angers me like writing, yet there is no joy or amazing to match it. I don't mind. Shit--there's a reason why roller coasters aren't built in straight lines.

With this manuscript of mine...of course I can't be softshelled about any of the work in it. Each piece needs a reason to be there. In the words of Parliament, "If it don't fit, don't force it." If it doesn't belong in the collection, then it's okay to let it go for now. The poem can go back to stretching in the wings. It's going to be what I want it to be if I put in the work.

[Think about what you love to do more than anything. Think about what it pulls out of you, the line it will drive you to then shove you over. Think about all that you've learned by tending to it, all that it's given you(opportunity, freedom, relief&release, perspective, courage, on and on). Feel fortunate; be in awe of it. ]

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