Thursday, May 16, 2013

eve approaching

Side note: I just listened to a bunch of Heavy D and The Boyz and it was absolutely wonderful.

Last night I went to spin class and burned both legs to giggly rubber, al dente noodles I wobbled around on for hours afterward. I couldn't help it. Call it inspiration. I felt like feeling it. I pushed myself to the breaking point, until there was no choice but to leave the body. Carried away by all that exertion, pushing against tough bubble of resistance. I tried not to check out mentally. I was thankful for the burn, for the miracle of muscles working together. I love making myself strong. Thankful for my limbs and normal harmony of organs. Thankful for the opportunity to do something physical, to seek out those limits and ever so slowly turn them into rungs underfoot.

I guess, in a paragraph, that's what I love about being and staying physical. That feeling one gets from busting through old limitations. Of being slick with sweat and pushing onward. To hear that stupid little voice somewhere sputtering out another "I can't do this," and then promptly squashing that stupid little voice with my ability to keep going. Even at their most tired, my legs kept rotating the pedals on the bike. Mind shut off, trusted the body. That to me feels like living. When your heart beat is in your ears and you can feel every inch of lung with each breath. It is my sanity. My truest form of meditation is to get lost in the physical. And when I'm not in pain and confined to bed with a migraine, I choose to push my body's limits because I feel blessed for my well moments, and I know those moments are so damn important to live to their fullest.

In 15 days I will be 32 years old. My new year, the real one. 6:40am, boom--thirty-two years. I may have daydreamed about my thirties once. It's hard to say. In youth, three decades was like the unconvincing other universe that might be out there. It seemed risky to believe in.

Yet here we are. Planets away.

What's in store for my 32nd year? That's the question I'm concentrating on currently. I know that the focus will be steadfast on what I love and believe in. I aim to trust myself more, to fill my quiver with as many sturdy arrows as I can. To walk right into what I fear. Some things:

- I faced a giant fear in favor of what I love and registered for The Pink Door Retreat, hosted by one of my favorite writers Rachel McKibbens. Three days of writing and workshopping with other women writers. This is what I want to do. This is what I love the most. I am so excited to continue nurturing myself as a writer. The retreat is in June.

- I would love to do a sprint triathalon(the categories for a sprint are still swimming, biking, and running but all are shorter distances...kind of your beginners triathalon). I'm looking at 8 week and 12 week programs for triathalon the meantime I've been bulking up my time on the bike this week and next week I start a new running program. There's gonna be lots of lap swimming this summer, which is awesome.

- Doing what feels good. What feels best for me is taking care of this big heart of mine. To halt the bitterness in its tracks by doing something much more proactive and positive. I do not want to be a person that only reacts to what happens. I want to explore solutions. I am fortunate enough to have a roof over my head, all my limbs attached, a loving family, and much time & many resources. Instead of for granted, I desire to take advantage. It's amazing...volunteer opportunities are everywhere. My free time is of much better use if I give it to those that need help. This Saturday I start volunteering with WQED and I'm beyond thrilled.

- Movement. This is open to interpretation. Whether it be out of this city or more miles on my tennis shoes...I have a desire to keep going. To love and nurture and create. To be close to my family and loved ones. To be inspired. More art and less boredom. More space and less clutter. To read more books, to get lost in the woods more, to unplug more. To keep going. To be my own greatest source of inspiration.

More soon. Getting older is still two weeks away and I'm sure I'll have more to say on the subject before then.

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