Tuesday, February 26, 2013

draft, unfinished

my loves are stacked tracing paper
rubbings of graves from the 1880s
records so loved they blush n dust themselves off
when i go to lift the player’s arm
with trembling pinky

maybe i have watched too many people sleep,
spy drawn lamp shade eyes of REM rolling
the floor drops out and i can see the end,
know it,
restless like tongue’s prison sentence
if this projected splinter posed as a city on map
I could point to it.

my loves.
shelf life different.
how badly wanting was
how translated touch
body hinges
same direction
causing massive collapse of midsection
a slinky moon slice of wet
dead weight
under blanket.

Thursday, February 21, 2013


Went to see a good friend on the microphone tonight. Felt the way I always felt when I see someone dear to me doing something they are exceptional at--a mixture of proud, awe, and giddiness...how wonderful to be fortunate enough to witness others doing what they love. It is a beautiful, important thing to observe.

My intention was to go straight home after the reading, but I didn't. Instead my car found a parking spot on Baum and I ran all bundled up to Ava's door. I paid the cover and tried to ignore the fellow who immediately started insisting I let him buy me a drink. He kept asking, "what are you drinking? On me. What'll it be." I didn't know. And I told him that, "I don't know." I curled up on the barstool, nodded along to the band and pulled out my book to read. This is typical of me. When I'm not ready to go home, I go somewhere loud and familiar. I feel strangely safe shutting down here. I curl up, sip my drink and read. When B comes around with the sign-up sheet for the open mic I tell him no thank you. Feeling kinda down, not feeling it--reasons I give with a wave of the hand to the stage. This is not normal and I know it. I suck on my straw until only ice remains in my glass. I pile on my coats and I leave, feeling ready to face an empty apartment, the cold bed. A heat is building up my back. This heat I know is a weird kind of fury.

I am not one to get mad. Or at least not one to show it. I drove home tonight with that strange agitation rising and rising along the spine, heading straight for my brain stem. I'm not sure why. Life sometimes is overwhelming. Sometimes even piles of the good stuff makes me angry in a way I cannot define nor point to on a graph or map or artist's rendering. I'm restless. I should've scribbled my name on the paper and waited my turn on the microphone, perhaps. I don't know. One moment my heart feels swollen, ready to pop and drench the ribs in downpour. The next I feel embarrassed for being so red, so slick and exposed, hunk of meat that will rise and fall with pure want. A want of what? Again I don't know. Sometimes I wish someone would stitch me up. Sometimes I wish there was another body to fold into when I come home, an understanding where nobody has to say any words, as if words never existed. As if we drew ourselves and in this way we are real. As if the threat of erasure hovers always at our shoulders. I smiled at someone on the bus today and they looked away. Just meet my eyes and curl your lips in return. Be my mirror for a moment. Respond.

Tonight I'd draw a horizon and walk into it. If only life was a Peter Gabriel video. Or Petty, with his Alice missing hunks of herself, handed out in slices of cake. Or my lovely girl huddled in the belly of a playdoh bear. It's Thursday. I truly expected to feel little or nothing tonight. Instead all my nerves arc out like grass gone wild. I feel everything, love. Everything.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

introducing hemicrania!

I've added a new page to click on called "hemicrania." This is where I will be documenting my latest adventures in dealing with my chronic migraines. Now that I'm trying a more holistic, natural approach, I am finding that there is MUCH to be learned on the subject of head pain. The research on dietary restrictions alone is blowing my mind.

So yeah! This is just a quick update to let you know what the page is for. I encourage everyone to check it out--I'll be updating frequently.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I stomped through the snow in time to the song pouring through my headphones. Bouncing Souls. I'm just now getting into them--for years I confused them with Collective Soul and kept my distance. I know better now. They soundtrack my walk from the 61B to my apartment quite well though I kept waiting to slip and bust a kneecap on slush streaking the sidewalk. That is what winter eventually boils down to--fantasies of falling. I made it back smooth-quick without crashing. Maybe it was the music, or gut full of coffee. Crossing streets in a blur like a bundled up humming bird.

I'm ready for the winter to go away. This season makes my days stick together. Looking back on the week I have to peel them apart, and the hours are always summarized into uneven slices--eight for work, seven for sleeping, one for travel. Everyone on the bus sits in giant lumps of coat material, our pant hems salted so much they look like sand art. I miss seeing shoulders. I miss those big hits of sun. I miss that chlorophyll.

Until the warmer months come, I sentence myself to staying creative. Like writing a fresh batch of poems for a short stack of readings I have coming up. One this month, two next month and one in April. Stay present. Stay hungry.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

another good egg

He loves music. He loves baseball. Here is my dear friend Ryan.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

gimme a g! gimme an r! gimme an e...

We all have a person or two in our lives that consistently blow us away with their talent. Be it music, math skills, fixing things, cooking, etc. I feel super lucky that I have some incredible people in my life--people that I see doing what they love, that leave me speechless with their sincerity, effort, and output.

This is my best friend Greg. He is one of those people.

Greg is incredibly smart, thoughtful, and silly. He is also a tremendous musician, easily the most talented one I know. He plays keys/back up vocals for the awesome band The Harlan Twins, but he also does a lot of work on his own. I am super proud to be his friend and to bear witness to how he chooses to challenge himself. I could not imagine one without the other when it comes to music and Greg.

For the January fun-a-day project, Greg challenged himself to compose a little something up for each day of the month. Annnnd he did it. A ditty a day for 31 days, and they're all unique & wonderful. I wanted to share them here:

click here to listen!

Also feel free to pass along feedback to Greg himself as I know he likes that. But also, consider this post a reminder to others: when it comes to the people in your life, take an interest in what they love to do. Be supportive. Respect one another for what we all bring to this world. We all work hard and we all struggle with our efforts, strengths and weaknesses. It's always wonderful to have someone in your corner cheering you on. And when it comes to yourself? Take care of your gifts and your own loves. Challenge yourself. Own it. Share it, nourish it. Be proud of you.