Wednesday, January 30, 2013

field post-battle.

Today I am back at work after spending two days in a migraine vortex. I camped out on the couch with pillows on every side of my head and a giant blanket. My cat stayed near me at all times, a normal thing when I am sick. I slept and slept. Staggered to the bathroom. Back to the couch, and slept and slept. I couldn't sit upright for more than a few minutes at a time. Even when I fought it, my upper body would slowly lean to one side until the head felt pillow again.

I sent out texts to a few friends just to touch base with reality. Or some version of reality aside from the one I was neck deep in. Pain will take you away. It will club you over the head, drag you to a cave far from civilization and leave you there. Or it will stay with you in that cave and club you over the head again if you stir or show signs of life. So you play dead. Or you are dead. It's hard to know the difference.

And today the head is still ringing, ringing, ringing. Some weeks it seems like it never goes away. I wake up dizzy, I go to bed dizzy. When I do feel good, I feel almost reckless with possiblity, even when I have nothing on my schedule. I will want to drive a long distance, see all my friends, have long conversations, listen to loud music. Feeling well leaves me with a tremendous giddy high, a little glimpse into what close-to-normal must feel like.

Friday I go to a new neurologist. It's hard to say what I hope to get out of the appointment--I know that another MRI is in my future. Maybe try another medication. Maybe discuss more aggressive treatment(s)? I don't know. I am tired of not knowing.

I am angry. I'm also feeling myself morphing into the bratty child stomping in circles repeating NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR. I know that it could be worse. I know how alive I feel the day after all the pain and I know that there is something to that, that I am a survivor. I know that I've learned things through chronic pain that I would've never known through anything else. But there are some days when I am fed up with learning lessons. I am fed up with life not being fair. I am fed up with nobody understanding what this feels like, how it completely makes my life sideways at times. I am fed up with feeling like I need a live-in nurse just to function and get things done. I get fed up wtih crying and complaining and writing about this.

I don't know. My heart is simply busted today.

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