Monday, December 24, 2012

It is Christmas Eve. I am currently in Ohio with my family for ten lovely days. And it is, indeed, lovely. I cannot explain what happens to my heart whenever I hear my nephew make his way through another round of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, or how happy I am to create imaginary worlds with my niece and her toys. They are such wonderful, amazing little people. The natural light of my lives. They pull a new amount of patience and love out of me, and I'll never be able to thank them properly for that.

I haven't been home in a few months so this is a much needed trip. My dad and I had lunch on my first day into town and I tried not to feel too sad about how grey his hair is or the lines in his face. I wonder if I look older/different too. I have no idea. I did my best not to think about it. I listened to everything he told me and asked questions, asked for updates on family members and so on. Time spent with him is time I value so very much. Same with my sister who works meticulously on various handmade presents at the table by lamplight. I love my little family. I feel calm and safe here.

And I also feel the echoes of solitude. I cannot help it. It's a holiday. Everyone near me seems to have someone to lean on. I lean o n the wall, I lean on my sleep. I lean on the quiet of a car ride in the dark. I am aware of how I came to this yet still wondering how things are this way. I feel like William H. Macy in Magnolia, listening to the same song, crying that I have so much love to give. Honestly I just think it's the holidays talking. Holidays n' hormones = a recipe for arsenic soup.

But like I said--I'm thrilled to be back in my hometown for a bit. I definitely have some dear ones to see, as well as physical places that I need to stand in front of. It's nice to see so many stars again, to have space and quiet and nowhere to be really. There is much writing to do and conversations to have, and none of that is loneliness. I have the weapons to fight off the blues. My quiver is full. I welcome the calm, the distance, the quiet and space that comes with being one. Despite being alone, I am still an entire universe spun around these bones and I have such lovely galaxies around me.

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