Saturday, September 22, 2012

latelies

My laptop is six years old. We are edging past the grey hairs, heading fast to immobility. In other words, she's shitting the bed. Same with my router. Right now I'm updating this in a coffee shop for the reliable connection. Which leads me to scribbling in notebooks again. Callous popping back up on my pinky from pen-holding; I grip her in a fist. It's nice to get back to the practice, to do other things around the house. Reading books with my dinner, you know. Unplugging. Earlier this week I looked down at my hands in natural light and aging struck me hard and fast. There it was. My hands looked different, all the cross-hatchings of my skin magnified in fantastic grid. Honestly the sight took my breath away. My knuckles are covered in latitudes, asterisks, lines that border themselves like vibration or water disturbance. Some new freckle, same old broken life line. Loop of vein on the back of one like a roundabout of interstate. I'm thirty-one. I feel like I'm finally wearing it. A dear friend gently pointed out how sad I've been lately. Those are the good ones--the ones unafraid to say what needs to be heard. It was only upsetting because I knew it and felt embarrassed about the transparency. The blues coming off me in sparks, settling into my friendships like splinters. Sadness will not just devour your mood. Sadness will eat up your connections yet remain bottomless. Sometimes it's easier to own up to it than it is to stop mentioning it. An emotional tick. My friend (again, gently) suggested revisiting therapy. The second friend to do so in a week. I have the need and I have the contacts, now it's time to put it into action and pick up the damn phone, to properly ask for help. I can no longer sporadically patch myself like a tire when it comes to all of this. The old tricks aren't working anymore. A lot of changes are tumbling down the pipeline and I want to be strong and ready for them. And now to bow out of this here coffee shop. I'm highly tempted to disconnect my wireless completely. With a computer on the fritz and a shoddy router, I've been forced to be creative. A proper example of this is the giant blanket fort currently set up in the living room.

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