Friday, November 21, 2014

Today is my day off, and I cannot tell you how happy I am to finally sit down with a cup of coffee and my writing. I dropped the ball on NaNoWriMo(a poem-a-day version). Not even dropped but threw it into the ground. I did write through my Pittsburgh trip. Lots of scribbling in the notebook in between moments of going to see a friend or waiting to see another one. Oh Pittsburgh. It was such a great visit. My dance card was full, as I intended her to be(though I didn't get to see everyone). Ah, and the babies--a few new kids on the block. I rocked a newborn in my arms and swooned over the chillest one month old I've ever seen. It's so wonderful to see friends become parents. I did feel overwhelmed by it at one point--late Saturday afternoon. I referenced the phrase "emotionally exhausted" a lot. Just tired and needing that moment to lay on Jason's couch, scribbling in silence. On one page I wrote

                    I am ready to write about you

and that felt good because it is the truth. Then I spent a good ten minutes writing about potholes and favorite streets and trial and error. Heartbreak parking lots and magnolias and how the city gave me great legs. And then when I grew tired of scribbling I drove myself to Spaks. I devoured a seitan melt standing up in Jason's kitchen. Another thing worth noting: I had a bit of a mission to eat all of my favorites while I was there, and this mission was very much accomplished. Thai food and blessed conversation with my insister, that gorgeous n' quick Spak moment, hot bar at the co-op, and a holy jumble of tofu tacos for Sunday lunch. Amen.

Thank you, Mad Mex.

I had a great time. When it was time to go I was ready to do so. I was hellbent on beating the snow heading in my direction but I locked my keys in my car at a Pilot station in Cambridge. Oh boy. Luckily the ladies at the station were amazing, and a local tow company had me back on the road 36.50 and 30 minutes later, and I walked in the door as rain turned to sleet. This is what the next morning looked like:

I'm getting married in one month, and "I'm getting married" still sounds funny leaving my mouth. But yes. I'm committing to a partner in crime for all the adventure ahead. My habibi for always. My best friend. My ride or die. The Beyonce to my...Beyonce. Yes we are both Beyonces.

Because of this, we've had to do this bizarre thing known as planning your wedding. Or "planning the manner of which you will be marrying." J and I are on the same page with this stuff which is the most important thing. It will be small, intimate, simple. Most of our people are flung out geographically--shit, even him and I live in different countries.

I've worried about "doing it right." I don't understand this worry, not one bit. It's incredibly strange how such a big tradition can mess with your head, even when you don't think it could possibly happen to you. I wasn't a child who dreamed of her wedding. I was fascinated with intimacy and falling in love but marriage itself was a concept lost on me. I did enjoy attending them, for the most part. Most of them were gorgeous celebrations. I dig inspiring environments inspired by love. I didn't expect to feel this brief pressure...not until people started asking me how/when/what we were getting married. Then I found myself worrying about disappointing people. Really, Nikki? Of all the times to worry about what other people might think?

I ran with this worry for a short while and then I promptly squashed it. There are things I want. I want to be with my family. I want to feel my heart thumping madly with love when I get married. I want to be with my best friend and do this thing. And yes--I want to look like a badass doing it and I might want a fistful of roses that are a red fresh from the vein. There is nothing wrong with any of this because it is what I want. My want is not wrong. At 33 I am still learning this.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I'm back buuuuut

...I just started a seasonal job to keep ends meeting until I leave the states for good in January, so I'm on a new level of busy. So I'll have a better update as soon as I get a little more acquainted with my new schedule.

The trip to Pittsburgh was great. I knew this would be my last trip for the foreseeable future, and knowing that made it pretty tough. But tough or not, the visit did my heart so much good. More on that soon.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Radio silence

Sorry for the radio silence. I'm in Pittsburgh visiting friends, holding babies. I'll be back to it soon. It's been a really, really good trip, even though I'm exhausted and emotionally pretty tired. It's my last foreseeable visit here, so I'm trying to make it count.

I want to properly show my love for all my people here without getting sentimental or weepy but it's very difficult. 

Sigh. More soon. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

bluishgreen 2014

About to put this year to bed. For the occasion, I made a playlist. Enjoy.

11.12 - NaNoWriMo


He woke with a quote bubble of vomit
soaking the carpet//no this is not true--
I woke and saw this, he slept. I punched
cloud of my coat under arm and quietly
left. Image stayed stitched as I steered--
knew turns without knowing, took long way
home. Phone rings and rings and rings.
I let her. Apologies follow in person, a
crescent of scar splitting brow where ring
was. I don't know why or what or how or
who he said. That day. That month. Full year.
Tiger in our penny jar. I mouth your name to
the sink full of booze. By then cerulean eyes over
shoe polish grins. We remove ripped magazine
pages from the wall with more care than
we ever kissed.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

11.11 - NaNoWriMo

today's poem is about long distance relationships. my partner and i have lived countries apart for over a year. it is the hardest and most rewarding thing, and very soon we will be closing the miles between us. my heart, she sings.


Things you do

you read the news of certain region, stories you know passed desk,
his eyes. A story his brain worked. You consider
flow of sentence, what line is there to greet you.
Maybe mutter a quote he might have whispered
as he wrote.

These are the things--

you forget about proximity
though everything becomes it,
the distance/the closeness
you define by space between
mass of object be damned

you research “how to overcome fear of flying”
because one winter’s turbulence
demands you have it.
you count hours on fingers
and hold them up to your family
when they ask
what time is it where--
and you glare at the moon
on lonely nights that are his mornings,
you learn to love technology loathed
because some days
it is all you’ve got.
you buy lingerie and practice undressing yourself
you get brave for the camera
and write better than you have in years
you talk every day
and you stay pretty bad at saying goodbye
but make connecting flights
and sleep sitting up like a pro
you get really good
at hellos
learn to say it
whole body
all lungs, fingerprints,
brain folds--

you grow guts
and get steady
your skin grows thick
where previous you picked it
red raw gone
you say
what is on your mind
when your mind is on it
restraint is not a game for many miles
words and access
become blue red blood
to surface as soon
as cut occurs
becomes tough
and yet
a strawberry
staining fingers
again and again
by the boundless
of her sweetness.